How to survive a zombie apocalypse

How to survive a zombie apocalypse

The truth is that there is a definite chance that maybe we might have a zombie apocalypse in the not too distant future, perhaps. With this legitimate threat to the survival of the human race coming, I thought I would do my part to try to save humanity by creating a “how to survive a zombie apocalypse” guide to help you survive the end of the world as we know it.

Identifying a zombie – When the zombie apocalypse begins things are going to get pretty hectic very quickly, and you don’t want to accidentally start killing innocent people just because you think they are zombies. So these are a few signs to look out for when trying to identify a zombie.

Uncontrollable hunger for brains – Zombies are constantly hungering for human brains.
The smell – Remember that zombies are in fact dead, and dead things usually stink.
Appearance – Pale, bloodless looking skin and torn, dirty looking clothing is a dead giveaway.

Knowing how to identify the zombies is only the beginning, once you know who to kill you have to actually kill them. Where once upon a time zombies where thought to be slow and clumsy, its seems modern zombies are much faster and more dextrous, therefore the following tips should greatly increase your chance of survival.

Get in shape – The first people to die in a zombie apocalypse will be the fat people, I not being nasty I’m just saying that fat people are, on average, slower then there less fat counterparts and therefore are more likely to be caught and either eaten or turned in to a new sub-species of fat zombie. So to drastically improve your chances of survival it would be in your best interest to get in shape (you would also be doing your part in preventing an outbreak of fat zombies who, although slower than regular zombies, have an increased appetite and therefore pose a greater risk to humanity.) Things to remember are – Sprint training will be more beneficial than marathon like endurance, strength and resistance training is a must, and learning how to defend yourself with improvised weapons (such as a rolling pin with nails in it, a shovel with a serrated edge or a kitchen knife duck taped to the end of a broom stick) would also be beneficial.

Learn parkour – Running from zombies isn’t as easy as you think it is (I know this from personal experience of course) and having the skills required to easily and swiftly move through an urban environment will be a must. For this reason I suggest you learn parkour so you can easily escape the zombie horde. (Note: you should not learn parkour until you are in shape, because the last thing humanity needs is a horde of hungry, overweight, free-running zombies.)

Work as a team – Teamwork will be essential in surviving this on-coming disaster so I suggest you start planning who you will recruit now. A good team should have an experienced zombie fighter, a war veteran with PTSD, a minority willing to sacrifice them-self for the survival of the rest, a hot girl everyone wants to bang, a slightly less hot girl everyone is banging and a shady guy who will probably betray to the zombies.

Remember whose side you’re on – Seriously, zombies are taking over the planet and while most people are doing their part to defeat the zombie horde, there is always going to be the turncoats who make a deal with the zombies for personal gain. For everybody’s sake please remember whose side you’re on.

Try to save humanity – Amongst all the terror, running from zombies, violence and having sex with the slightly less hot chick it is easy to overlook the fact that eventually it would be nice to return the world to a non zombie infested state. So whenever you get a chance try to save humanity in the most ludicrous and ridiculous way possible.

This was manscreed.com’s guide on how to survive a zombie apocalypse and save the world, I hope it helps keep you save from the hordes of hungry, overweight, free-running zombies we are bound to be dealing with in the not too distant future.